Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
