my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Congratulations! We have a period
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
