I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
