Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
