Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I smell stomach acid.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
