im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the day after is always just damage control
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
