Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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