i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
