I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize