a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
