shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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