if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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