Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
