woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
