life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
