how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
