So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
