wakey wakey hands off snakey
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
