they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
