When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
