I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
