i'm lost and i look like a hooker
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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