you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Mom said you looked used
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
