He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
