If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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