I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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