The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Four minutes until I can fart!
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
