After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
