Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
