No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
how does that bad decision feel?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize