i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
