if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
