Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
