tonight lets celebrate not being married
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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