I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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