Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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