I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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