i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
