Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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