The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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