so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
