She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You may now shotgun with the bride
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
