I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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