alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
