Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
How naked do you want me to be?
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