he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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