Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
