I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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