I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
