i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
