U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
