I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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