I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize