Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
