Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
