Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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