Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Boobs are out for the taking
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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