no, he came in my armpit
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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