new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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