Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
