I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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