i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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