My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
