I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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