I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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