I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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